I am Nicole. Mindless. Naive. Beautiful.

a cup of tea, please

nothing more, nothing less

less stress, more positive thoughts

maybe i tried to oversleep you

i tried to oversleep my problems, yet i used to love you

but not the love you meant, it’s the love for a person but no sexual love

honey, i please you not to hurt me, my little heart will not stand it

it will not stand the strength you hug me with, you hands are way too big for mine, yet i

love their warmth 

sweet life, things you do to me i cannot explain to anyone

i am happy but you confuse me, please stop, i see haze in front of my eyes

everything seems unreal, life goes by like continuous loop

all i need is a cup of tea

nothing more

nothing less

i feel like people don’t understand me

feel like my confidence is gone, flown away like a bird left in undefined space

undefined is a word fitting me better than any jeans could ever do

i miss someone, someone who is the inner me, the person who defines me, my soul, my outer brightness, i’ve lost it

i may be happy but also my mind is full of unanswered questions laying there like leaves fallen from the fall’s trees and there is no one wanting to pick them up voluntary

people are forced, forced to care and forced to pretend, it makes us fake, yet we keep on going

life is full of fake moments, fake smiles, fake actions 

i need to get out of it, feel real, feel free,  rid out of all that fake emotions

i wanna feel, i wanna taste, i wanna smell

i want to live, just out of the inner me, out of the feelings that come up suddenly, the ones i dont have to hide

i dont wanna hide

promise you’ll remember that you’re mine….

im sitting in the living room, having my headphones in and listening to lana del rey. her songs make me feel strong, because somehow the songs are written for me. i love it, i love when you feel with a song. you’re completely in it. the last days have been pretty normal, well, as normal as my life can get. the most normal day’s im able to live. but in me , deep inside, nothing’s normal. everything is such a mess, because we all are just looking for the future. i cant deal with it. my step-dad for example, still’s about getting his own ship and swimming away. he even made some kind of boat-drive license, he did not fail it, how? it’s one of his dreams, people don’t fail dreams. they live for them. im happy for him, because i love him. but it makes me sad, it’s sad that he actually wants to leave again. wants to leave me alone, though he says he loves me. but what is the sense behind? when you love someone you want to stay with him, till the death splits everything. well, thats kinda deep or. what im trying to say is that i really hope that he really loves me, because i do. i cannot handle loving someone without being loved back. but i do hope, do actually know he does. i just hope that there will never come another girl in his life, a girl who could be nearly as important to him as i was. i’d be jealous. he is mine, he is my mother’s. we know him best, he knows us best. we hurt each other, we sometimes cant stand living with each other but we belong together. that is love. love is the feeling you have when you just senselessly belong to each other, because it is like it is. because it has to be. without a particular reason.  i cant stand good-byes, the good and the bad ones. i cannot stand all of them. i hate persons going away, because it doesnt have to be. people belong together, especially people that love each other. the should live for each other, they should become one. they should go trough tick and thin but maybe life made us. whatever, he is a psycho.

I don’t write when I’m happy….

….so why am I writing now? Because I actually am happy, right now. In the moment. I feel well, I feel comfortable in my skin. (Although it’s fucking hot outside and I’m sweating like hell) Idk, I just wanted to write something down. In english. I miss this language, because I forgot how to clearly speak and feel it. How to have fun with it. Well, this is not a diary, it’s more like a ‘shitbook’. Or better said, a shitblog, lols. I write down anything I feel like writing down. You musn’t read it, because it’s just for me. For satisfaction. The inner satisfaction of writing down anything you like without anyone you know being able to comment and to judge it. It feels good. Oh and him? My older man. I still got him. We met a few times after the holidays and my feelings went nuts. I just don’t really know what I want him to be, and how to act next to him. It’s still so new for me. He accepts it, but I do think that he wants more. He simply cannot resist this innocence of mine. Sometimes I feel the prettiest in school, and then day after, while seeing Kendall Jenner, I feel uglier. But I’m not. I’m much prettier than all of my friends, think what your mind wants and hate me with your-all-hateful-self now. But I feel pretty, because I am. But, so are you. All of us. It’s something I understand it. I finally understand. Oh, and then there’s this another point in my life. Those kids who think drinking makes’em cooler. It does not. Drinking alcohol does not make you cooler, it is the thing you’re being happy becuase of drinking it. The freedom you feel. It makes others think you’re cooler. I like drinking, a lot. I could get the typical drinker, the non-sober person. But for me, there has to be a reason behind drinking. A happy or a sad. We can drink and look for freedom, but we cannot life in diseaster and look for freedom while keep on sipping.  We’re all just growing up. It’s the inner us that don’t know what to do. Ouch, my neck’s tense now. OH, and I should go on reading ‘shades of grey’. (didn’t know it’s that erotic, hf) I’ll be a good student this year, because I really want it. It comes from within this time. It’s different. I’ll beat you bitches, all of you who don’t believe in themselves. Just fucking do it. CIAO, BELLA!

vacations on the beach

We’ll leave home on monday or tuesday and drive to the beach. I’m looking foraward, because I did not visit the beach for ages. I just miss it all so much, but, how life goes, there is and probably will be a little problem. My younger half-sis will come with us, because my granpa wanted to act like the best in the world and asked her to come with us, and as usual her “adorable” mommy heard it and told my dad. Now, they HAVE to take her no matter if they want or not. I personally think that the situation’s pretty much not acceptable, because my granny’s 63 and does not want to watch a 5 year old all the time. She’s on vacation (the very first time this year!!!) and wants to relax not watch a kid. I dislike the mother of my half-sis so much, she’s such an ego bitch. Oh and me? I will not watch after that kid, because I want to enjoy my vacation I waited for so long. I just hope that a star will fall from heaven and bring us the luck to leave her here, that sound stupid but truth is stupid. I’m not a fucking nanny and the mother of the child does not wish me and my family good things in life, she’s like a enemy. So why the hell should I be nice? I’m of course not a mean bitch to that kid, because the kid cannot understand the situation, she’s too young. But I’m not a nanny, like I said. Lol, I start pretty much repeating myself because I’m pissed. Oh god, also I’d like to finally leave this house. I love granny and pa, but sitting here for so long makes me just nervous. I barely move and the city’s just too small for my thoughts. Ah, god. I wish I could lay on the beach and relax, nothing else.

vacations, 3rd week

Hi there everyone! It’s the third week of vacation and I’m still sitting at granny’s, well actually I planned to be here for 3 weeks only, but it kinda didn’t work out and now I’m gonna be here for about 4 or 5 weeks. Which sucks a bit, because I wanted to spend a little time at sweet home. Whatevs, at least granny, grandpa and I will be heading to the beach next weekend and enjoy the beach. I cannot wait, I haven’t relaxed on the beach since ages (2 exactly) I miss the waves, the sand and the smell of the water. Ohhh, damnit I ate way too much today, my granny’s makng yummy food and pretty much forcing me to eat it, well she does not force me really but it is so yummy and it automatically feels like forcing, lol. So I’m not on a diet, logically, because I couldn’t be on a diet here, well I at least try to avoid stuff like sweets, ice cream and cheetos. It works out, I don’t eat any sweets but lot’s of fruits. Maybe I should be a cook?! I’m always talking about food, hehehe. So I hope that everyone’s able to enjoy their holiday, as much as it’s possible! I’m enjoying mine and sleep a lot, a lot! I sleep about 12 hours daily, well maybe it’s unhealthy but idgaf. IT IS PHUCKING VACATION TIME (rih, right) unf, unf thinking about the upcoming school year gives me a major-headache. Poor, poor me.


everyone has problems and everyone’s problems can be tough, doesn’t matter how tough they seem to be to others, to the person it may be the hardest part of her/his life. i really miss the old times, the times 2 years ago (for example) i was 14teen but when i look back at this time, i realize that i was a kid. and now, here, i do know that im thinking in a completely different way. i feel old, like really old. like i’ve been through everything already. people wouldnt care anyway and i dont want people to care about my problems, i wont tell em off. there are many little problems, but these all little things come together and become one big problem. maybe it ain’t a problem really, but it’s something that makes you worry, all the time. it’s like a stone that is stuck to your heart, something you can live with but it makes you breathe slower and  it makes you tired, endlessly tired. people are telling me to take life in an easy way, not to take it too serious. life should be what you make of it and if you live it in a negative way, it will all become negative. what i wanted to say is that everyone has problems but there are personalities who know how to handle their problems and there are personalities who act as if they knew how to handle them and then there are people who wish they knew how to handle their problems but they can’t, they just can’t. everyone has problems and everyone has to accept other’s problems, it’s just disrespectful to say ‘the problems you have ain’t problems at all, mine are worse!’ this is an attitude i TOTALLY dislike. we all live with problems and there are no differences between our problems, end.


it gives me emotional breakdowns, really. watching 22 men fighting for their lives (okay, thats overdone but it really seems like they do) and they’re SO sad when something goes wrong or when they lose. it makes me sad, ugh. i just want everyone to be lucky, i dont want them men to cry (lol). but im serious, all of em would deserve it. ah..